Gigli
USA 2003. Director: Martin Brest
Cast: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Christopher Walken, Al Pacino

The horror... oh, the horror, it comes in so many shapes and sizes. A cute duo of mobster henchmen kidnaps the retarded son of a prosecutor and keeps him in an appartment. That's the plot right there. Not much more happens. They drive around a bit, mails a fake thumb to the prosecutor, meet psycho-dad Christopher Walken. Ben Affleck is not entirely bad as the useless Gigli ("I'm the rule of cool, I'm the Sultan of Slick!"), but Lopez as lesbian hitwoman Rickie comes across so embarrasing you just can't watch her without having a large pillow ready to hide behind. It's especially painful to watch her trying to stand up against Al Pacino just after Pacino has chewed the roof off. It's like watching a lamb being led to the wolf at lunchtime. She's just not the character she's playing, though it can't be easy trying to deliver monologues about vaginas while doing aerobics ("There is no place nowhere that has been the object of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet sacred mystery between a woman's legs that I call my pussy"), not to forget the laughably story of how to poke a guy's eye out. That said, the first half of Gigli is just about enjoyable, if on some perverse turkey-level, the last half is simply unwatchable sentimental garbage and frightening stuff. Watch at your own risk.